I love working in a library. I love being surrounded by books and people who know about books, and I love helping out the people who need it. I always get a little bit proud when people say things like, “Thank you so much! You were a big help!” Things like that. I’m an attention whore, so it happens.
This library job, which I have held since April in the midst of working in a soul-sucking pharmaceutical job, has been my little bit of career joy. I will soon be taking on more hours and a more prestigious-sounding job title (“Library Assistant.” Hell yes.) and I feel now is the time to give a Print to those people who try to take the joy out of my job. The people who make me feel stabby and who, regularly, make me want to cut a bitch.
The following people need a Giant Ass Mushroom Print:
The people who tell their child, “No, no. It doesn’t matter which bin you return the books in! You can put it in whichever one you feel like!” are not only making MY job more difficult, they’re teaching your sweet ickle children that the rules (in this case, the clearly marked signs) do not apply to them. These children will most likely end up murdering you in your sleep, because they “felt like it.”
The bins are marked either “Adult” or “Children” for a reason.
Speaking of darling spawn, I am a Library Assistant, not a Babysitter. Dropping a 6-to-10-year-old children off at the library while you “run out for a bit” is completely unacceptable. This is a public place with members of the general public milling about. Are you aware that I get 3 to 7 e-mails a week indicating that someone has been banned from the library because they are not being someone that should be around the general public?
Do you want your kids hanging out with those people?
Do you want me to tell you about all the lewd and lascivious behavior I have witnessed in the time I’m worked here? Would you drop your 7-year-old off alone at a public park or at the mall? It’s kind of like that.
Also?
When you leave your kids alone? They tend to run amok. But I guess that’s my job to take care of, isn’t it?
When I’m working in the back room (which is connected to the outdoor book drop), please keep in mind that I can HEAR every conversation you’re having, whether it’s with someone in your car or with someone on the phone.
When Mister Mom drives up in his minivan, talking to his mistress on the phone, I can hear him.
When Mommy of the Year drives up in HER minivan, complaining to her best friend about her husband, I can hear that, too.
Also, I’m well aware that generally, children under the age of 5 don’t read a lot. I know some do, but most don’t. As such, when you drop off 58 (this is no exaggeration. I counted.) books through the bin, laughing to your kids about it, I want to slash your tires.
“I guess Mommy is giving the library workers a lot of work, isn’t she?” you say. Yeah, bitch. You are. Limit it to MAYBE 25, if you MUST overindulge. Moderation is key, lady, but I guess you wouldn’t understand that, judging from the stickers on the back of your minivan that indicate your children are involved in soccer, basketball, hockey, ballet, karate, swimming, softball, AND chamber choir.
I’m getting verbose, so I’ll try to condense the rest:
What kids generally do with board books is chew on them. You do not need to check out 30 of them to accomplish this task.
You can wait 3 minutes while I shelve the new books. Hovering over me or, God forbid, reaching across me to pluck one from the cart makes me want to drop you in a den of lions. The books aren’t going anywhere.
If I have a stack of books in my arms and am shelving them, and you walk up to me, look at my name tag, and say, “Do you work here?” I want to put you in the same den as the new book people.
The bathroom of a public library is not there for you to sex in.
If you insist and fight about the fact that you DID IN FACT return those books, I usually don’t believe you.
When I’m checking in books and I get the “This book you’re checking in was ‘claimed returned,’ I judge you. I judge you hard.
If you’re especially annoying, we at the library have nicknames for you. That goes for you, “Mr. B.O.,” “Lost Flash Drive Woman,” “I-Swear-I-Returned-That-Book Lady” and “Sketchy Chick” (who sits around the library all day in a crushed velvet dress, making “business calls.”)
I don’t have a clever way to end this, except to say all of you mentioned?
Consider yourself PRINTED.
Oh, it made me feel so much better about my day to read this. I love you. I hate people.
I’m glad these people and their stupid stupidness made you feel better!
I’m not glad that these people continue coming into my library.
You deserve to print library assholes.
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People like that are assholes and deserve huge mushroom prints EVERYWHERE!
I too work in a library. Also deserving of mushroom prints are those wonderful patrons who chose to masturbate in the library, right in front of the circulation desk. Modesty is a lost virtue.
Sadly, none of what you’ve said surprises me. I think you library Goddesses are vasly under-appreciated, A big thank you from me.
I love the library but reading this makes me wonder if it’s been too long since I entered one since no one in my library would dare act that way. I hate people who don’t have respect and all of those sound like they have not been taught respect.
LOL, I always find my self glaring at people in the library who have loud conversations, call across to their kids, let the kids do what they like …. where do they think the expression ‘use your library voice’ came from??? Being homeschoolers, we use our library A LOT! We love the ladies there, and they take great care of us …. they have great patience when I return yet another dvd without the dvd, and smile indulgently when I pay yet another fine and comment that we will be supporting the construction of a new wing. Thanx to all you wonderful ladies, no matter what you say about me under your breath
@by word of mouth: Accidentally leaving the DVD at home is excusable. Screaming at the top of your lungs that you DID IN FACT return those library books and HOW DARE WE say otherwise, and then thinking you’re being all sneaky by returning them in the outdoor bookdrop? Unacceptable. I think you’re OK.
@Bodaciousboomer I am officially making a big button to wear on my shirt that proclaims me a Library Goddess. Thank you.
Fantastic, laugh out loud writing. (I am far too old to lol.) And I agree. People suck. Most parents suck even harder.
My first job was as a library aide (book-shelver and general dogsbody). Your post was right-on. And to Lexi – you’d be very very surprised what an enterprising Neanderthal can get up to in just 2 minutes (hell, 2 seconds!) in the stacks.
My favorite patrons were the “Housewives of La Jolla” who would bring their precious little darlings (who were screaming at the top of their lungs) to the library, then follow them around sounding like a leaking balloon – shhhhhh, shhhhhh, shhhhh…. we had names for each one depending on their dye job and/or expensive purse.