Dear Creepy Panera Starer:

Oftentimes you can find me sitting in my local Panera Bread.  I’m here enough that Foursquare says I’m The Mayor of the place.  What am I doing spending 8 hours a day in Panera?  Plotting the next adventure, writing the next speech, browsing the Internet, Floofing my Facebook, Poking my Twitter and probably Googling your Yahoo while random people come to meet me because they saw on Foursquare that I was in The Office.  That’s right, I sit at the same table in the same place so much of the time I know every employee, we go out drinking and to concerts, and they call the place I habitate The Office.  I’m here so often Panera Bread follows me on Twitter.

And it is wonderfully pretentious.  That asshat that is always in that coffee shop or deli, drinking gallon after gallon of ice tea or Mountain Dew and pounding away at the keyboard with their headphones in… That’s Me.  I’m That Guy.  I’m ok with that.  My laptop, reusable drink container, headphones, cell phone, external hard drives, chargers plugged in for everything and stuff all over two small tables pushed together are all ok with each other.  We’re freaking residents here.  This is probably actually where we live.

So I get it, it’s a bit of a spectacle.  People take looks, especially on days when I’m looking more rowdy or insane than others.  Which brings us to Mr. Creepy Panera Starer.  This guy is in My Panera, and he walks by My Office, and he takes the customary stare.  I disregard it as normal . Then he stops.  He’s standing directly across the table from me, right behind the chair that my ginormous backpack is occupying.

He doesn’t start moving again.  Now on this day, I’m not looking happy, things haven’t gone well, I’ve got both headphones, not just the customary one ear in, one ear out so I can talk to employees and friends as they wander by, there’s tons of stuff on the table as I’m angrily typing away and I’m even wearing my damn mirrored sunglasses.  I do not look like The Man You Want To Bother.  Everything about me says go away at this moment, but Mr. Creepy just stands there staring as I type.

Gradually I realize it’s been at least 30 seconds of this guy staring and checking my stuff out, so down goes the cell phone I’m texting on.  Out come the two headphones very deliberately.  Up goes the glance towards Mr. Creepy.

“Hi, what’s up?” – CKJ

“Oh nothing, just looking at your accouterments.” – Mr. Creepy

So at least this guy has some vocabulary aptitude even if his stock in creepy is overflowing.  I wait for the next question or statement as I stare back at him…

And stare back…

And Stare back…

And Stare Back…

And it’s been over a minute and he’s still there as I watch the clock timing this like some sort of Olympic event.  Then he just walks off without a word and leaves.

WTF.  Like I earlier said, I get the bit of staring, I get maybe stopping and asking a question, but at the point at which you stop and stare so long I take my headphones out and call off the armed guards, you better at least say hi or ask my name.  “Just looking at your accouterments”???  Are casing the contents of my backpack hoping to rob me after I leave?  Trying to remember everything so you can identify me later?  What the Hell are you doing?

And for this, Mr. Creepy Panera Starer deserves A Creepy Mushroom Print.