To my household counterpart and husband extraordinaire:
We have two kids and a dog. It is reasonable given their age and the dog’s lack of opposable thumbs that I would have to clean up after them.
Since your insane job meant I couldn’t keep the job I loved and I am at home now, there’s the assumption that I will clean up after you, as well, to a certain degree. That’s fine. Domestic engineer extraordinaire. So glad I shelled out for college for this gig.
I am so sick of your slovenly habits that I would love to nitpick you into a coma about all of the seemingly inconsequential pieces of your trail of mess. YOU try cleaning with a baby and toddler underfoot who never sleep and a spouse who is never home. I wish you well with that.
But I draw the line at Shit Crumbs.
You know what I’m talking about–I’ve even called you out on it and you still leave them everywhere. Shit Crumbs. The tiny shit bits and balled-up toilet paper shreds scattered around our bathroom floor.
How in the world can you wipe so vigorously that toilet paper and excrement are flung with such a wide range? How the hell do you not see the toilet seat, floor, and bathroom rug dotted with nasty pieces of brown toilet paper and tiny pieces of shit?
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
YOU ARE A GROWN MAN.
I’ve seen you hit personal hygiene lows, but this is absolutely foul. And you wonder why you never get blowjobs–If your ass is that nasty, what makes you think I’d put my mouth anywhere in the same vicinity? Good luck with that.
When we go to other people’s houses and you drop a load, I have to find an excuse to go in after you to make sure you haven’t left your calling card behind. I’m not even subtle anymore. I am repulsed at the task, and embarrassed to be with you.
They say it’s all about the little things, and so this GIANT MUSHROOM PRINT is for each little piece of shit I’ve had to clean off the floor after you’ve been in there.
You are a nasty. disgusting. sonofabitch.
My mouth is agape. OMG.
I’m sorry.
I will add that I don’t care WHICH partner is home full time. The other partner is still responsible for cleaning up after themselves because, like you said, grown-ups! Grown-ups can clean after themselves. Kids? Not so much. Pets? Not at all. But your husband or wife or whatever? They damn well better put away their own food, rinse off their own dishes, and they sure as HELL better clean up their bathroom messes!
…now to convince my husband of that. :: sigh ::
MY HUSBAND DOES THIS!!! It grosses me out so badly, and I actually had a talk about it with him. He claims to have a furry buttcrack so it gets caught in his fur. *gag*
I told him to wax it or use baby wipes, that shit is awful.
Holy shit. Well… yeah. Literally.
Wow… I got nothin. Want to borrow my teenage son to clean up? He can’t hit the toilet with his urine, so maybe they’d be ok together? Or disgusting.
Oh. My. God.
ha! That’s priceless! ha!
I am damn speechless. And I thought the shit crusted on the back of the seat was bad enough – this is SO worse.
What is WRONG with some of these men? GROSS!
I am on the edge of my seat holding in my laughter! I am so glad that I don’t have to deal with that!!
FOUL.
I…am…shocked. Please tell me he is reading this.
LOFL! I especially love the tags.
You deserve a week in Hawaii and a public apology for dealing with that, um, crap.
That is fucking disgusting.
Oh my word. You know how they train dogs? You may have to try it with your husband- rub his nose in it. Then smack him hard.
Bleck.
I’m sorry, I can’t stop laughing at this!
I think I just passed out. OMG.
He’s a fucking grown up and as such, he should clean up his own shit. WTF?
Ah, see mine doesn’t do this because I’m not sure if he wipes. See, he smears it all over the toilet seat (and under, and in cracks that I can’t possibly understand how he could have aimed towards.) So, I can’t possibly imagine how anything ends up clean.
gaROOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! And also thanks for sharing.
“Furry buttcrack” BWHAHAHAH!
Lol!! That’s why my husband has his own bathroom…not allowed in mine! and the toilet seat is always down!!
Very very good plan.
Oh wow…I’m definitely seeing Hubs in a whole new light! I may never complain about him again. LOL
Wow. I will never again complain about the fact that my husband cannot brush his teeth without getting toothpaste all over the sink, counter, mirror and probably ceiling. Okay. I probably will still complain. But at least now I know it can be worse. Yikes. Good luck with that.
Good. Grief. He needs some charmin butt wipes. They wont shred. And you won’t have to look at that anymore. Gross.
Reason 443 I’m glad I am divorced.
HAHA! Its time to get that man his own set of baby wipes.
What…how…WHAT? That is horrifying. I never knew that was POSSIBLE, but apparently it is. And I see from the comments that it isn’t that uncommon?! WHAT…HOW?! EW EW EW.
Three words: flushable wet wipes.
I don’t see how you only publish this mushroom print here and you don’t tell HIM exactly what you just told us. Why in the fuck don’t you tell him you don’t want to clean up shit fuzzies after he shits? I have never even heard of such a thing. How can someone even leave toilet paper lint and pieces of shit around the toilet? Maybe he is doing it on purpose just to see how far you will go in cleaning up after him. What other explanation could there be? That’s disgusting. You have to say something TO HIM.
OMFG! We have hairy asses here, and we use those moistened things–we call them butt-wipes–to cut down on that shit. Although it still can get on the seat, in the cracks like another gal commented.
But, here’s one for you ladies: at my job, there is a ladies’ room used by 4 other offices. Every day my boss complains about tiny pieces of toilet paper everywhere, crumbs on the floor and tracked out into the hall. wtf? They lead right into an office that has 4 women in it. Every day. Tiny pieces all over. Gross. And this is women–what the hell is that from? I know it isn’t brown shit crumbs, but it’s WOMEN! We aren’t supposed to do that, are we? What the hell are they doing with the toilet paper, and why does it leave a trail? It’s just so weird.
I never knew this condition existed! Gasp! And I’m married – maybe his butt crack isn’t furry enough? Now I don’t want to EVER use another shared bathroom again…..I’m going to be tempted to look, and then, if I see wads of shitty tissue, I will barf! I’m grossing myself out!
OMG I don’t know wether to laugh or barf ???????
Way to go! I know what you mean.
I see “shit crumbs” all the time in our bathroom at work and it is just nasty. It makes me contemplate the hygiene of my co-workers. Maybe we should have a business meeting on shit crumbs & hygiene. That would be worth dragging my dead body into work at 5am to see my fellow co-workers’ facial expressions when we talk about “shit crumbs” & public restroom etiquette.
Sadly, I’m a clean freak. When it comes to the areas where I bathe and shit, I am OCD with cleanliness. You can never use enough bleach in the bathroom. I like that porcelain shit throne & surroundings sterile at all times. Not to mention the automatic air freshener that awaits the tsunami of odor when someone happens to drop that bio-bomb into porcelain throne.
VSOP cognac & bleach,
- Jason
I am SOOOOOOOOOO glad I introduced my hubby to baby wipes when we were dating!
THIS is totally why I married a man who pees while sitting down (since long before I met him). His reasoning? He had a female roommate once who insisted that he and the other guy clean the bathroom too.
(a) please tell me you’ll have him read this and
(b) have him invest in better tp?
wow that is so nasty, and I have never heard a better excuse than that for not giving a blowjob. eww. So sorry you have to deal w/that… eww
That is absolutely horrifying. I have no idea how you can remain married to someone so disgusting and unapologetic about being disgusting.
I would not be able to sleep with him again. Ever. End of story.
I don’t even understand how this scenario you described is possible, but I am duly grossed out and trying to shake the images that are forming. Ewww.
BWAHAHAHAHA!
You just made me SERIOUSLY glad I’m single!
OMG!!!!! You need to get a job and get a house cleaner. Your husband might be wonderful in every other respect but you don’t seem happy being a house wife and who can blame you. I tried it for a while too and just couldn’t take it anymore. I finally flipped out and told my husband if I had to pick up another piece of his underwear that I would kill him while he slept. Then I went to the computer and worked on my resume and sent it out to every job that I could find. Do the same you won’t be sorry and good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!